There is nothing more rewarding in life than pushing youself to the absolute extreme and reaping the fabulous rewards of a job well done. When you are mentally and phsysically pushing youself beyond your limits, there is nothing better than proving yourself wrong. I remember being so shy and timid in all walks of life. I was always so concerned with what everyone else was thinking and my self-esteem was not at its best. It is the greatest feeling when you do not think you can do something and then you prove yourself wrong. I always do this in the weight room, and this is why my self-esteem and confidence is so much better than it used to be. That is exactly how my lift was...
I am still doing a carb-cycle and am on a pretty low carb diet in comparison to the load I just finished. I consumed about 50gms of carbs prior to getting to the gym at 4pm to train my clients and being up since 6am. I was pretty tired and relying on caffeine to get me through the day! Thank God for Oxyelite! :) For breakfast I had 1/3 of a cup of oats with pumpkin pie filling, cloves, cinnamon, and Truvia. As for the protein...5 egg whites! Both of my snacks were low-carb protein pancakes with sugar free syrup! Lunch: a spinach salad with 3oz turkey, 2 tbsp of hummus, 2 tbsp salsa, 1 slice of ff cheese, and a little bit of hot sauce. I was going hardcore without the dressing that I would normally put on there. I snacked on some almonds before I had to teach class at night at the gym. Those 100 calorie packs are amazing! I cannot decide which flavor I like better, the dark chocolate or the cinnamon! So good! They are such a great convenient snack to have and it always conquers my craving for sweet foods!
Before I even began teaching, I was already pretty sluggish but I felt great having the opportunity to influence the lives of others in a group fitness setting. Besides my usual participants, it was great to see new faces due to the increase of gym memberships we have had since the first of the year. My class was almost double what it usually is for Stability Ball and there were even more people there for Chisel. I love teaching when the room is bumpin and packed! No matter how tired I am, the amount of energy that I can feel is enough to pump me up for a great workout! I love interacting with people and making the workout fun! There is nothing better than that! Chisel was a scorther and I was really feeling it throughout the class- the music, the sweat, the burn! There is nothing like it!
Once class was over, I hit the weights for leg day! I figured that I mine as well do it up now before they cannot recover in time for my marathon this weekend. At this point, I had just taught for an hour and a half and was on so little carbs. I grabbed my straps, wrapped the bar, and deadlifted my face off...135lbs for three sets of ten on the bench. Overlooking the rest of the gym way up there when it was packed and not giving a hoot about being up there, that was a great way to start my workout. On to the Smith machine! Bring it baby! Lunges with my ultimate personal best lunge weight in that bad boy! 180lbs for three sets of ten each leg. Finish her with extensions and seated hamstring curls! They were wiped out clean! OuCH!
There is nothing like having a trainer who supports you and what you believe in 100%. Patrick went out and bought me eggs for a low carb dinner at his place when I finished up at the gym. 4 egg whites and 1.5oz of turkey with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese for dinner! Yummy! I got home at almost 1130pm and rather than just go to sleep, I prepared three meals for the next day and packed up my gym clothes. Just another day in the life. Thats how this story goes. No excuses. When you want something you just have to do it, end of story! With all the homemade cookie bars and a fridge full of food already cooked, I know I could have just grabbed anything that I wanted to eat and not have gone through the hassle of cooking again. That would be too easy. I am determined to do this for me, and for you! Another batch of protein pancakes with a half tbsp of natural peanut butter finished off my day...and that was that!
1386 calories, 178g protein, 70g carb, and 34g fat
Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who will make you laugh, who help you when you're in need. People who would never take advantge of you. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Does Food Really Make Me Miserable?
I am already well aware that my relationship is a little bit off when it comes to food. I think about it all day long: what to eat, what not to eat, when I can eat, how much I can eat, how I can get exactly what I want to eat, and if I should eat at all. Sometimes I eat a lot of food...more than I think any normal person can possibly fit in their belly. Sometimes I hide food under my bed, in the trunk of my car, in my desk drawer. I dont want my family, friends, or boyfriend, to know what I really eat or how much of it sometimes. I am pretty sure I can consume an entire box of cereal, a pint of ice cream, a jar of peanut butter, and then hide the containers deep in the trash so that no one will know it was me who finished them off. I will only do this when I am alone because I cant stand the thought of someone wathing me do something as shamefull as this. It has gotten as bad as to making excuses to not hang out with people so that I could go home or drive around on the hunt for food by myself. I have tried to make myself throw up after a really big binge before or fasted to make up for it and promised myself to never do it again.
I know that I am eating for psychological reasons, rather than from hunger. This emotional attachment to food and my food obsession has caused enough pain and problems in my life, and quite frankly, I deserve better. I am ready to start and this is the year I am going to conquer it. I watched an amazing documentary last night called "The Secret" and it was absolutely mind-blowing. Rather than focusing on the negatives when it comes to what I want, I have to focus on what I do want. My positive energy will allow the universe to let what I want to happen occur. If I think I am healthy and I am not a binge eater, rather than focusing on my "problem" and the negative influences it has on my life, I will begin to feel healthy and normal about food even though the problem is not completely gone. It is all about visualization. I cannot wait to put this practice into life for everything. My thoughs will attract everything into my life that I am wanting and hoping for, if only I truly believe that it will come true.
With every meal, every lift, every action I take, I visualize being a successful figure athelete and inspiring trainer. I ate completely clean again and stayed away from as many artificial sweeteners as possible. I was running late, so my breakfast was a typical bowl of oats and a scoop of protein powder. I added a little bit of natural peanut butter for satiety because I knew I would not be able to munch on things between clients at the gym. As soon as I got to the nursing home and sat down at my desk, I enjoyed a batch of homemade protein pancakes (and again later before I left work as a snack). I had a fantastic lunch- a bun-less hamburger salad. I used lean ground turkey (3oz), sf ketchup, mustard, and a pickle cut up on field greens. Since it was a low carb day, I didnt have any rice cakes or other sources of carbs with my lunch. In between training clients and orienting a new trainer, I munched on a pack of 100 calorie dark chocolate cocoa dusted almonds as a sweet treat! Patrick suprised me and lifted with me after work. Lifting with him is not just about getting bigger muscles in my off season, but making me a better person. He asks me about my meal plan, how I think I look, if I am hungry. We laugh when I fall off the bar doing pull ups. We yell at each other to "Work" and "Squeeze" and "Do one more rep". I close my eyes and visualize my muscles working. I see myself in a figure suit with all of my hard work on display for the world to see. I repeat the his words and the words of my bodybuilding heros in my head..."I lift things up, I put them down". I sike myself up with music. I get in the game and I go hard. Thats what beast mode is all about.
Once I got home from the gym it was almost nine pm and a quick dinner was being called for. Shrimp, goat cheese, and light balsamic on field greens seemed great to me. Night time is always the hardest for me and all I wanted was something sweet. Gotta love sugar free jello with light Reddi-whip for that! That is always good in a pinch. I knew i would be up for a couple more hours watching that movie, so I prepared a little dish of low carb "ice cream" with Greek yogurt, almond milk, and a half scoop of protein in the blender. It was great to not feel quilty eating that in my bed other than bowls of cereal or cookies that I have hidden under my pillow. I am ready for this, I can feel it.
I know that I am eating for psychological reasons, rather than from hunger. This emotional attachment to food and my food obsession has caused enough pain and problems in my life, and quite frankly, I deserve better. I am ready to start and this is the year I am going to conquer it. I watched an amazing documentary last night called "The Secret" and it was absolutely mind-blowing. Rather than focusing on the negatives when it comes to what I want, I have to focus on what I do want. My positive energy will allow the universe to let what I want to happen occur. If I think I am healthy and I am not a binge eater, rather than focusing on my "problem" and the negative influences it has on my life, I will begin to feel healthy and normal about food even though the problem is not completely gone. It is all about visualization. I cannot wait to put this practice into life for everything. My thoughs will attract everything into my life that I am wanting and hoping for, if only I truly believe that it will come true.
With every meal, every lift, every action I take, I visualize being a successful figure athelete and inspiring trainer. I ate completely clean again and stayed away from as many artificial sweeteners as possible. I was running late, so my breakfast was a typical bowl of oats and a scoop of protein powder. I added a little bit of natural peanut butter for satiety because I knew I would not be able to munch on things between clients at the gym. As soon as I got to the nursing home and sat down at my desk, I enjoyed a batch of homemade protein pancakes (and again later before I left work as a snack). I had a fantastic lunch- a bun-less hamburger salad. I used lean ground turkey (3oz), sf ketchup, mustard, and a pickle cut up on field greens. Since it was a low carb day, I didnt have any rice cakes or other sources of carbs with my lunch. In between training clients and orienting a new trainer, I munched on a pack of 100 calorie dark chocolate cocoa dusted almonds as a sweet treat! Patrick suprised me and lifted with me after work. Lifting with him is not just about getting bigger muscles in my off season, but making me a better person. He asks me about my meal plan, how I think I look, if I am hungry. We laugh when I fall off the bar doing pull ups. We yell at each other to "Work" and "Squeeze" and "Do one more rep". I close my eyes and visualize my muscles working. I see myself in a figure suit with all of my hard work on display for the world to see. I repeat the his words and the words of my bodybuilding heros in my head..."I lift things up, I put them down". I sike myself up with music. I get in the game and I go hard. Thats what beast mode is all about.
Once I got home from the gym it was almost nine pm and a quick dinner was being called for. Shrimp, goat cheese, and light balsamic on field greens seemed great to me. Night time is always the hardest for me and all I wanted was something sweet. Gotta love sugar free jello with light Reddi-whip for that! That is always good in a pinch. I knew i would be up for a couple more hours watching that movie, so I prepared a little dish of low carb "ice cream" with Greek yogurt, almond milk, and a half scoop of protein in the blender. It was great to not feel quilty eating that in my bed other than bowls of cereal or cookies that I have hidden under my pillow. I am ready for this, I can feel it.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Year...
I am dedicating this next year to every young woman who has ever hated her body and felt out of control about food. Keep moving forward and you can live a life thats happy, healthy, and free!
Here is the simple truth....I struggle with dieting, starving, and bingeing in secret. For the lasy five years I thought that I had a willpower problem and I kept my eating disorder to myself. Binge eating is more common than any other eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, but it is talked about the least. That is part of the reason why I am so excited to share this journey with you and share how I truly feel about food, exercise, and living a healthy life. My binge eating disorder started as a teen and I am in the process of triumphing over my binge eating problem. I hope over this year my story inspires you and gives you hope that recovery from binge eating is possible. The obsession with weight in this country is only making this worse, rather than better. Eating disorders of all kinds are on the rise and affecting girls of younger and younger ages. It is a horrible world to be trapped in- despising your body and struggling with issues with food. I am caught in an out of control cycle of bingeing and dieting, and I am sharing my journey with you. This is my beginning of a life free from body hate and food obsession.I love to eat, I always have, and always will. I am a member of the Clean Plate Club. I will chow down every last bit of whatever is put in front of me and usually can ask for more. There is nothing wrong with cleaning your plate...but food went from something fun, yummy, and nourishing, to something that made me absolutely miserable. Bingeing distracted me from my fear, hurt, anger and I found myself sneaking around the house in the middle of the night, creating crazy food concoctions. I hid the evidence wrappers deep in the garbage cans. I would go to numerous drive thrus in one night, browse through the isles at supermarkets, and hide in bathrooms...eating whatever I could get my hands on. I would wake up the next morning with puffy eyes, heartburn. I felt so guilty, fat, and disgusted with myself.
As much as I hated what I was doing with food, I just could not stop. I wished someone could tell me why I could not stop eating so much. Though I have never been what most people would consider "fat", I hated the constant cycle of growing out of my jeans size by size as the pounds went on. I always thought I was fat...and that meant disgusting, ugly, and weak. My life became a cycle of out of control bingeing, guilt, dieting, and total self-hate that lasted for years. I thought about food, weight, and my body constantly. What should I eat? What shouldnt I eat? When can I eat again? How can I sneak this food into my room so my family will not see? Why am I so fat and ugly? Why can't I just STOP EATING?!?! I felt like I was going insane. I didn't know it at the time, but for five years I have had an eating disorder. I was not just a pig or a freak, but a binge eater. Here is me beating my disorder...This is not just about what I put in my mouth. It is about living a healthy lifestyle and being honest with myself, as well as you. It is a great feeling to be taking control of my life and being honest about my feelings with food, my workouts, and being healthy.
This morning, I woke up in Patrick's bed after our New Year's celebration last night and of course, the first thing I thought about was food! I got completed naked and stepped on Patrick's scale. I have seen a number that I havent seen in a very very long time (138.75lbs). When I competed in April and was 104lbs on stage, I think about gaining over 30lbs and it makes me so disappointed in myself. This negative attitude only keeps me in the shadow of my eating disorder. After showering and taking a fat burner (OxyElite Pro), I made a healthy breakfast of five egg whites and 1/3 cup of oats with cinnamon and a little bit of sugar free maple syrup. I think half of my problem is I replace all of my sugars with artificial garbage like Splenda and Equal....and that makes my cravings even worse. Patrick was eating some sugary cereal but he commented on how great my breakfast was and I felt great starting my morning on the right foot! Too bad I didnt have my flaxseeds!
Before hitting the gym to do a chest workout with him, I got a call from my director at Best Fitness and he told me that I was doing a television interview at the gym today about new year's resolutions and sticking to them. The topic was DONUT...Do One New Unique Thing! I really liked this idea and I met with the reporter for a few minutes after my workout. I was so excited to be starting the new year out this way and having a chance to reach out to so many people. Patrick was so supportive and nice about watching me in this interview and I am so lucky to have him! He even ended up in the video too with me training him on the TRX. We started the new year as movie stars! Rock on! Before the interview, Patrick and I trained chest! That kid really beats me up. I could not believe I was throwing up 45lbs dumbbells for chest press for 12-15 reps a piece. I knew all of the carbs I have been eating during the holidays were good for something! The workout was amazing and I left feeling exhausted. I made a great post workout shake with 1/2 of a banana, almond milk, water, ice, and 1 scoop of chocolate peanut butter protein. I also had a rice cake with sugar free peach jelly before running back to the gym for the interview.
After the interview, Patrick wanted to cook up some seafood for dinner and we chose fresh Alaskan salmon from Wegmans along with a side salad. I snacked on some almonds before we starting cooking so that I would not be starving. We had a great time cooking together and the dinner was fantastic. We coated the salmon with crushed walnuts and cinnamon before pan searing them. The salads had goat cheese, craisins, walnuts, and light balsamic dressing. Talk about a great healthy dinner!
As soon as I got home, I was craving something sweet so I had a cocopop with sf jelly on it, along with some Arctic Chill ice cream. Arctic Chill is a great substitution for ice cream when I want something clean. It is made out of whey protein and all natural ingredients. With only 37 calories in a half cup serving, you cant go wrong! The vanilla maple flavor was pretty decent and I topped it with two strawberries. Im just about to go to bed and I need to make some protein pancakes! They are my favorite recipe of all time and so easy to make! Two egg whites, 2 tbsp cottage cheese, and 1 scoop of protein! Maybe I will top it with a little bit of peanut butter too :)
Daily Totals: 1294 calories, 114g protein, 95g carbs, 46g fat
Monday, December 26, 2011
Not again...
This weekend, I disappointed myself and I feel guilty (not to mention sick to my stomach) today because of it. The hours of working out, tracking my calories and macronutrients faithfully...all of that went downhill on Friday night when my boyfriend took me through McDonalds drive thru after midnight. That was the first time all week when I was so hungry that I felt like I deserved to eat whatever I wanted. I had a set of apple dippers with caramel sauce and a mini apple and walnut salad (not to mention the bowl of oats, protein, and peanut butter that I had too). I really wish that had planned better before we headed out the door to the movies. I had eaten dinner at 6pm and when we planned on stopping for something to eat before the three hour movie, the restaurant of our choosing was chosed...seven hours with no food left me ravanous! Im sure you are thinking that the food that I ate wasnt that bad, and you are probably right. But it was so off of my meal plan that I just let myself to the wind after that.
Saturday night there were Christmas cookies, hard cider, cheesey mashed potatoes, black forest cake, and lots of chocolate!! Sunday...Christmas breakfast and dinner...pulled pork, more mashed potatoes, more cookies, more wine! I felt like I was losing control all because of the food around me. Today, I am so sick from the amount of food and the choices that I made. I am not only physically full, but I am full of regret too. I told myself all week that I was not goign to do this, and then it happened...tenfold. I guess I was slightly prepared for the worse, but i hate that FEELING! I HATE IT! It makes me so angry to feel that food has that much control over my life and emotions. I hate feeling tired, bloated, and angry at myself today. I have a headache and I feel hungover.
I guess there is only one thing to do...move forward! Thats the only place to go. Ill try, again, just like always....I hope someday there isnt a try, but an actually success. Today, I am hoping for a great chest and back workout and maybe even some cardio. I feel drained and miserable, but maybe a good lift will turn me around (and some great new tunes from my Ipod). One day there will be an end to this battle of food that I have within myself and I will develop a healthy relationship with the very thing that keeps me alive.This Christmas I gave myself the gift of self respect and freedom from this food addiction that I have ...
Here goes nothin ;)
Saturday night there were Christmas cookies, hard cider, cheesey mashed potatoes, black forest cake, and lots of chocolate!! Sunday...Christmas breakfast and dinner...pulled pork, more mashed potatoes, more cookies, more wine! I felt like I was losing control all because of the food around me. Today, I am so sick from the amount of food and the choices that I made. I am not only physically full, but I am full of regret too. I told myself all week that I was not goign to do this, and then it happened...tenfold. I guess I was slightly prepared for the worse, but i hate that FEELING! I HATE IT! It makes me so angry to feel that food has that much control over my life and emotions. I hate feeling tired, bloated, and angry at myself today. I have a headache and I feel hungover.
I guess there is only one thing to do...move forward! Thats the only place to go. Ill try, again, just like always....I hope someday there isnt a try, but an actually success. Today, I am hoping for a great chest and back workout and maybe even some cardio. I feel drained and miserable, but maybe a good lift will turn me around (and some great new tunes from my Ipod). One day there will be an end to this battle of food that I have within myself and I will develop a healthy relationship with the very thing that keeps me alive.This Christmas I gave myself the gift of self respect and freedom from this food addiction that I have ...
Here goes nothin ;)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Getting Back on Track During the Holiday Season...
Lately, I feel like Im letting myself get too far off track and I keep making little excuses to let things slide that I would not normally do...from skipping a workout, to not doing enough cardio, to eating a cookie (or two). All of these excuses are making me feel quite lazy and at times unhappy with myself. This is not something that I normally feel, but rather than sit on the sidelines, I decided that I need to do something about it NOW! Its the start of the Christmas week and I am anticipating holiday gatherings with lots of FOOD, FOOD, and more FOOD (and none of it is going to be healthy)! The gym is also going to be closed on one of my favorite days to workout...SUNDAY...because of the holiday. I don't want to be stressed out about all of the food that is going to be surrounding me and the chances that I am going to have to indulge in all of these high-fat and high-calorie foods. I am going to focus on the beautiful people around me and on how good it feels to give myself the best gift that I can this Christmas, self-respect. I know it is going to take a lot for me not to eat all of these things and to try to get some sort of activity in during the day in the midst of the holiday bustle, but I know that doing healthy things for myself is what this self-respect is all about. Giving myself this present is going to take some planning....and I have already began the necessary steps.
Yesterday I made an absolutely delicious cinnamon swirl protein loaf from a recipe that I found on Bodybuilding.com from Jamie Eason. Here is the recipe:
Speaking of yoga, that was a total suprise this morning! I wanted to get in the groove of doing some activity before I went to the office in the morning...hence actually doing the cardio I am supposed to! Right now I teach two and a half hours of classes at the gym, so I count that as my cardio, even though it is light resistance training. I wanted to incorporate something different into my routine. I thought I was going to a class that involved some kind of weight training at the gym around the corner from my gym, but when I got there I realized that the Centurgy class was really a yoga/pilates class! Rather than booking it out of there, I decided that I mine as well try it while I was there...funny thing is, I LOVED IT! I think that this class is going to really help me center and relieve some of the stress I have been feeling lately about my body and my busy schedule. It is hard for me to keep everything together sometimes when I am working 60-70 hours per week. I cannot wait to take this on Thursday morning before work! As for my other session of cardio, I'm hoping to get a spin class in Friday morning too! All about the planning!
Tonight, Im going to rock Chisel class and Stability Ball and really bring back the enthusiasm that I feel towards fitness. The love that I have for this lifestyle is going to shine through! I can only anticipate all of the good things ahead of me rather than dwell on the negative stresses in my life lately. The alst few weeks, everything seems like a battle...from getting ready for Christmas, working two jobs, training and managing my weight, and just living life in general! Its time for a change! Its time for some positive! This is my last week of carbing up and "bulking" and then its time to start leaning out with a carb cycle next week! Im sure there will be more details to come! Its only Tuesday but this fire needs to be burning all week long! :)
Yesterday I made an absolutely delicious cinnamon swirl protein loaf from a recipe that I found on Bodybuilding.com from Jamie Eason. Here is the recipe:
Ingredients:
- 1/3 cup Ideal (Xylitol)
- 2 tsp cinnamon
- 1 1/2 cups oat flour + 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cup Ideal (Xylitol) or ¼ cup Stevia in the Raw
- 2 egg whites
- 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Almond Breeze)
- 1/3 cup or 1 4oz jar of baby food applesauce and ¼ cup low sugar vanilla yogurt (optional)
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350. Spray an 8 X 8 inch Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.
- In small bowl combine: (set aside)
- 1/3 cup Ideal (Xylitol)
- 2 tsp cinnamon
- In a large bowl combine: (whisk together)
- 1 1/2 cups oat flour + 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cup Ideal (Xylitol) or ¼ cup Stevia in the Raw
- In a medium bowl combine: (whisk together & add to lrg bowl)
- 2 egg whites
- 1 cup unsweetened almond milk (Almond Breeze)
- 1/3 cup or 1 4oz jar of baby food applesauce and ¼ cup low sugar vanilla yogurt (optional)
- Pour a shallow layer of batter into the loaf pan (about 1/4 of the batter).
- Sprinkle heavily with half of the cinnamon/sugar mixture. Repeat with remaining batter & cinnamon/sugar on top.
- Draw a knife through the batter to marble. Bake for 24 to 28 min. Let cool for 10 min. Bread will be dense.
Speaking of yoga, that was a total suprise this morning! I wanted to get in the groove of doing some activity before I went to the office in the morning...hence actually doing the cardio I am supposed to! Right now I teach two and a half hours of classes at the gym, so I count that as my cardio, even though it is light resistance training. I wanted to incorporate something different into my routine. I thought I was going to a class that involved some kind of weight training at the gym around the corner from my gym, but when I got there I realized that the Centurgy class was really a yoga/pilates class! Rather than booking it out of there, I decided that I mine as well try it while I was there...funny thing is, I LOVED IT! I think that this class is going to really help me center and relieve some of the stress I have been feeling lately about my body and my busy schedule. It is hard for me to keep everything together sometimes when I am working 60-70 hours per week. I cannot wait to take this on Thursday morning before work! As for my other session of cardio, I'm hoping to get a spin class in Friday morning too! All about the planning!
Tonight, Im going to rock Chisel class and Stability Ball and really bring back the enthusiasm that I feel towards fitness. The love that I have for this lifestyle is going to shine through! I can only anticipate all of the good things ahead of me rather than dwell on the negative stresses in my life lately. The alst few weeks, everything seems like a battle...from getting ready for Christmas, working two jobs, training and managing my weight, and just living life in general! Its time for a change! Its time for some positive! This is my last week of carbing up and "bulking" and then its time to start leaning out with a carb cycle next week! Im sure there will be more details to come! Its only Tuesday but this fire needs to be burning all week long! :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Who Cares If I Eat Clean?
Sometimes for me, just one bad day is all it takes to toss good habits out of the window. Then I am left with the dreaded let down....All the negative thoughts fill my head....
"Today I forgot how to take care of myself and life feels awful" - x - Today, I felt unglued...without direction and lost" - x- "Today I wanted to eat everything bad and not feel a drop of guilt about it" - x- "Today every little thing felt less like 'little' and more like an enormous undertaking"
Staring down at the tub of ice cream in my hands, spoon poised for a nose dive deep into it, my past came out of nowhere, revisiting me with old messages of temptation: "whats one spoonful of ice cream? Who cares if I dont eat clean? Why bother? Nobody is looking anyway! Besides ice cream is delicious and I deserve it!" The more I stared at that ice cream, the further away I got from the discipline I normally carry in me and the harder it became to put the spoon down and walk away. It's easy to forget sometimes that I was once clinically overweight, with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and my doctor nagging me to lose some weight and stop smoking. Pictures don't lie either. My old habits still haunt me when my guard is down. All it takes is a bad day!
As some of you may know, I recently started the transition from working 25-30 hours per week as a personal trainer to working double that once I was forced to find another job to supplement my income and provide me with the health benefits that were necessary. It has been a difficult and often stressful transition for me and trying to keep everything together in my daily life is often a daunting task. My mind races with the idea of which meals to pack and how many changes of clothes I am going to need to get me through my 12-16 hour work days. Most days, Though I have learned to adjust as the weeks go on, on particular days I feel my mood becoming dangerously black. With three jobs under my wing, some days the cards I am dealt are not the ones I had expected, and yet I still have to play them! The mistake I often found myself making was eating my meals in the midst of stressful situations, rather than taking a second or two to calm down and reassess what really was going on and how to deal with it. Even lettuce leaves and rice cakes can land like stones in your stomach during a difficult time!
A couple of weeks ago I was in the midst of a pretty disappointing day. The people around me that frustrated me didnt even make an attempt at an apology and I had worked hard to hide my frustrations with them. Things were not going the way I had planned at all, but I carried on with my day the best I could regardless. All day, I kept asking myself all sorts of questions..."Did I disappoint my mom?" "Would I have ever done that to my friends?" "Am I working hard enough?". Nothing stings worse than a let down, and boy, was I in the middle of a let down! I learned a long time ago to do more than what is expected of me, so that I dont become someone's big fat disappointment. I let everything get to me that day! As I drove home at the end of the day, the disappointment of the day ate at my stomach and by the time I pulled into the driveway, I was an absolute mess. My stomach was screaming at me, I was bloated and unpleasant...and to top it off I had a headache! That was all it took for me to skip my workout and dive right into the ice cream...followed by the cookies my mom had stashed in the basement and half of a jar of peanut butter. My best habits fell like a row of dominoes...one right after the other. My mood was no match for the neopolitan ice cream starting at me from the front of the freezer.
After every indulgence, there is always a price to pay. Halfway through that binge, I regained control. The ice cream went back into the freezer and the spoon landed in the sink. I went right up to my mother, who had just made a few choice comments that made me cry only a few hours before. I told her that I was disappointed and sad about what she said to me that day. I sent a message to a coworker who had neglected to do an important task they had promised me that caused me great stress. My friend who was supposed to bring me something to the gym and brought only excuses also got a piece of my mind. These people had let me down and there is nothing worse than a let down. They needed to know so they would understand how I felt and that I was upset. They also needed to know that I still loved them, even through the anger and disappointment of my day.
In my old life, I was never one to stand up for myself. I took every harsh word or action as if I deserved it. These days, I dont take it because if I own all of the negativity that comes with life, I make myself sick and binge....I dont need that any more. After talking to my mom and sending messages to my friend and coworker, I focosed on the good habits I had worked so hard to follow these last three years. They keep my head in the right place, these habits that others have come to expect from me.
...for u PB...
"Today I forgot how to take care of myself and life feels awful" - x - Today, I felt unglued...without direction and lost" - x- "Today I wanted to eat everything bad and not feel a drop of guilt about it" - x- "Today every little thing felt less like 'little' and more like an enormous undertaking"
Staring down at the tub of ice cream in my hands, spoon poised for a nose dive deep into it, my past came out of nowhere, revisiting me with old messages of temptation: "whats one spoonful of ice cream? Who cares if I dont eat clean? Why bother? Nobody is looking anyway! Besides ice cream is delicious and I deserve it!" The more I stared at that ice cream, the further away I got from the discipline I normally carry in me and the harder it became to put the spoon down and walk away. It's easy to forget sometimes that I was once clinically overweight, with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and my doctor nagging me to lose some weight and stop smoking. Pictures don't lie either. My old habits still haunt me when my guard is down. All it takes is a bad day!
As some of you may know, I recently started the transition from working 25-30 hours per week as a personal trainer to working double that once I was forced to find another job to supplement my income and provide me with the health benefits that were necessary. It has been a difficult and often stressful transition for me and trying to keep everything together in my daily life is often a daunting task. My mind races with the idea of which meals to pack and how many changes of clothes I am going to need to get me through my 12-16 hour work days. Most days, Though I have learned to adjust as the weeks go on, on particular days I feel my mood becoming dangerously black. With three jobs under my wing, some days the cards I am dealt are not the ones I had expected, and yet I still have to play them! The mistake I often found myself making was eating my meals in the midst of stressful situations, rather than taking a second or two to calm down and reassess what really was going on and how to deal with it. Even lettuce leaves and rice cakes can land like stones in your stomach during a difficult time!
A couple of weeks ago I was in the midst of a pretty disappointing day. The people around me that frustrated me didnt even make an attempt at an apology and I had worked hard to hide my frustrations with them. Things were not going the way I had planned at all, but I carried on with my day the best I could regardless. All day, I kept asking myself all sorts of questions..."Did I disappoint my mom?" "Would I have ever done that to my friends?" "Am I working hard enough?". Nothing stings worse than a let down, and boy, was I in the middle of a let down! I learned a long time ago to do more than what is expected of me, so that I dont become someone's big fat disappointment. I let everything get to me that day! As I drove home at the end of the day, the disappointment of the day ate at my stomach and by the time I pulled into the driveway, I was an absolute mess. My stomach was screaming at me, I was bloated and unpleasant...and to top it off I had a headache! That was all it took for me to skip my workout and dive right into the ice cream...followed by the cookies my mom had stashed in the basement and half of a jar of peanut butter. My best habits fell like a row of dominoes...one right after the other. My mood was no match for the neopolitan ice cream starting at me from the front of the freezer.
After every indulgence, there is always a price to pay. Halfway through that binge, I regained control. The ice cream went back into the freezer and the spoon landed in the sink. I went right up to my mother, who had just made a few choice comments that made me cry only a few hours before. I told her that I was disappointed and sad about what she said to me that day. I sent a message to a coworker who had neglected to do an important task they had promised me that caused me great stress. My friend who was supposed to bring me something to the gym and brought only excuses also got a piece of my mind. These people had let me down and there is nothing worse than a let down. They needed to know so they would understand how I felt and that I was upset. They also needed to know that I still loved them, even through the anger and disappointment of my day.
In my old life, I was never one to stand up for myself. I took every harsh word or action as if I deserved it. These days, I dont take it because if I own all of the negativity that comes with life, I make myself sick and binge....I dont need that any more. After talking to my mom and sending messages to my friend and coworker, I focosed on the good habits I had worked so hard to follow these last three years. They keep my head in the right place, these habits that others have come to expect from me.
...for u PB...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It's Time to Shine
My goodness we can be tough on ourselves! We are definately our own worst critic, and when it comes to being paid a compliment, why can't we just graciously say thank you? My prime fitness example is this: I'm working out in the gym. One of my friends remarks how nicely my biceps are coming along. So what's the first thing I say? It's definately not "thank you!, "I know", or "I've found a new routine that really makes them pop". Instead it's " but look at how jiggly my triceps are". We are all guilty of pinpointing our own flaws. From now on, do your best to admire and appreciate all of your wonderful qualities!
Why do we do this? My whole life I have had a tough time receiving compliments. Instead, how about focusing on the things that you love most? How about reminiscing about times when you felt you were really coming along with your efforts in the gym? I'll start it off...a few years back, I was so happy when I could do three sets of push ups. Sure my arms were completely shaking by the time I got to the 12th rep, but wow, what a feeling!
Why do we do this? My whole life I have had a tough time receiving compliments. Instead, how about focusing on the things that you love most? How about reminiscing about times when you felt you were really coming along with your efforts in the gym? I'll start it off...a few years back, I was so happy when I could do three sets of push ups. Sure my arms were completely shaking by the time I got to the 12th rep, but wow, what a feeling!
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