I am dedicating this next year to every young woman who has ever hated her body and felt out of control about food. Keep moving forward and you can live a life thats happy, healthy, and free!
Here is the simple truth....I struggle with dieting, starving, and bingeing in secret. For the lasy five years I thought that I had a willpower problem and I kept my eating disorder to myself. Binge eating is more common than any other eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, but it is talked about the least. That is part of the reason why I am so excited to share this journey with you and share how I truly feel about food, exercise, and living a healthy life. My binge eating disorder started as a teen and I am in the process of triumphing over my binge eating problem. I hope over this year my story inspires you and gives you hope that recovery from binge eating is possible. The obsession with weight in this country is only making this worse, rather than better. Eating disorders of all kinds are on the rise and affecting girls of younger and younger ages. It is a horrible world to be trapped in- despising your body and struggling with issues with food. I am caught in an out of control cycle of bingeing and dieting, and I am sharing my journey with you. This is my beginning of a life free from body hate and food obsession.I love to eat, I always have, and always will. I am a member of the Clean Plate Club. I will chow down every last bit of whatever is put in front of me and usually can ask for more. There is nothing wrong with cleaning your plate...but food went from something fun, yummy, and nourishing, to something that made me absolutely miserable. Bingeing distracted me from my fear, hurt, anger and I found myself sneaking around the house in the middle of the night, creating crazy food concoctions. I hid the evidence wrappers deep in the garbage cans. I would go to numerous drive thrus in one night, browse through the isles at supermarkets, and hide in bathrooms...eating whatever I could get my hands on. I would wake up the next morning with puffy eyes, heartburn. I felt so guilty, fat, and disgusted with myself.
As much as I hated what I was doing with food, I just could not stop. I wished someone could tell me why I could not stop eating so much. Though I have never been what most people would consider "fat", I hated the constant cycle of growing out of my jeans size by size as the pounds went on. I always thought I was fat...and that meant disgusting, ugly, and weak. My life became a cycle of out of control bingeing, guilt, dieting, and total self-hate that lasted for years. I thought about food, weight, and my body constantly. What should I eat? What shouldnt I eat? When can I eat again? How can I sneak this food into my room so my family will not see? Why am I so fat and ugly? Why can't I just STOP EATING?!?! I felt like I was going insane. I didn't know it at the time, but for five years I have had an eating disorder. I was not just a pig or a freak, but a binge eater. Here is me beating my disorder...This is not just about what I put in my mouth. It is about living a healthy lifestyle and being honest with myself, as well as you. It is a great feeling to be taking control of my life and being honest about my feelings with food, my workouts, and being healthy.
This morning, I woke up in Patrick's bed after our New Year's celebration last night and of course, the first thing I thought about was food! I got completed naked and stepped on Patrick's scale. I have seen a number that I havent seen in a very very long time (138.75lbs). When I competed in April and was 104lbs on stage, I think about gaining over 30lbs and it makes me so disappointed in myself. This negative attitude only keeps me in the shadow of my eating disorder. After showering and taking a fat burner (OxyElite Pro), I made a healthy breakfast of five egg whites and 1/3 cup of oats with cinnamon and a little bit of sugar free maple syrup. I think half of my problem is I replace all of my sugars with artificial garbage like Splenda and Equal....and that makes my cravings even worse. Patrick was eating some sugary cereal but he commented on how great my breakfast was and I felt great starting my morning on the right foot! Too bad I didnt have my flaxseeds!
Before hitting the gym to do a chest workout with him, I got a call from my director at Best Fitness and he told me that I was doing a television interview at the gym today about new year's resolutions and sticking to them. The topic was DONUT...Do One New Unique Thing! I really liked this idea and I met with the reporter for a few minutes after my workout. I was so excited to be starting the new year out this way and having a chance to reach out to so many people. Patrick was so supportive and nice about watching me in this interview and I am so lucky to have him! He even ended up in the video too with me training him on the TRX. We started the new year as movie stars! Rock on! Before the interview, Patrick and I trained chest! That kid really beats me up. I could not believe I was throwing up 45lbs dumbbells for chest press for 12-15 reps a piece. I knew all of the carbs I have been eating during the holidays were good for something! The workout was amazing and I left feeling exhausted. I made a great post workout shake with 1/2 of a banana, almond milk, water, ice, and 1 scoop of chocolate peanut butter protein. I also had a rice cake with sugar free peach jelly before running back to the gym for the interview.
After the interview, Patrick wanted to cook up some seafood for dinner and we chose fresh Alaskan salmon from Wegmans along with a side salad. I snacked on some almonds before we starting cooking so that I would not be starving. We had a great time cooking together and the dinner was fantastic. We coated the salmon with crushed walnuts and cinnamon before pan searing them. The salads had goat cheese, craisins, walnuts, and light balsamic dressing. Talk about a great healthy dinner!
As soon as I got home, I was craving something sweet so I had a cocopop with sf jelly on it, along with some Arctic Chill ice cream. Arctic Chill is a great substitution for ice cream when I want something clean. It is made out of whey protein and all natural ingredients. With only 37 calories in a half cup serving, you cant go wrong! The vanilla maple flavor was pretty decent and I topped it with two strawberries. Im just about to go to bed and I need to make some protein pancakes! They are my favorite recipe of all time and so easy to make! Two egg whites, 2 tbsp cottage cheese, and 1 scoop of protein! Maybe I will top it with a little bit of peanut butter too :)
Daily Totals: 1294 calories, 114g protein, 95g carbs, 46g fat
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