I am already well aware that my relationship is a little bit off when it comes to food. I think about it all day long: what to eat, what not to eat, when I can eat, how much I can eat, how I can get exactly what I want to eat, and if I should eat at all. Sometimes I eat a lot of food...more than I think any normal person can possibly fit in their belly. Sometimes I hide food under my bed, in the trunk of my car, in my desk drawer. I dont want my family, friends, or boyfriend, to know what I really eat or how much of it sometimes. I am pretty sure I can consume an entire box of cereal, a pint of ice cream, a jar of peanut butter, and then hide the containers deep in the trash so that no one will know it was me who finished them off. I will only do this when I am alone because I cant stand the thought of someone wathing me do something as shamefull as this. It has gotten as bad as to making excuses to not hang out with people so that I could go home or drive around on the hunt for food by myself. I have tried to make myself throw up after a really big binge before or fasted to make up for it and promised myself to never do it again.
I know that I am eating for psychological reasons, rather than from hunger. This emotional attachment to food and my food obsession has caused enough pain and problems in my life, and quite frankly, I deserve better. I am ready to start and this is the year I am going to conquer it. I watched an amazing documentary last night called "The Secret" and it was absolutely mind-blowing. Rather than focusing on the negatives when it comes to what I want, I have to focus on what I do want. My positive energy will allow the universe to let what I want to happen occur. If I think I am healthy and I am not a binge eater, rather than focusing on my "problem" and the negative influences it has on my life, I will begin to feel healthy and normal about food even though the problem is not completely gone. It is all about visualization. I cannot wait to put this practice into life for everything. My thoughs will attract everything into my life that I am wanting and hoping for, if only I truly believe that it will come true.
With every meal, every lift, every action I take, I visualize being a successful figure athelete and inspiring trainer. I ate completely clean again and stayed away from as many artificial sweeteners as possible. I was running late, so my breakfast was a typical bowl of oats and a scoop of protein powder. I added a little bit of natural peanut butter for satiety because I knew I would not be able to munch on things between clients at the gym. As soon as I got to the nursing home and sat down at my desk, I enjoyed a batch of homemade protein pancakes (and again later before I left work as a snack). I had a fantastic lunch- a bun-less hamburger salad. I used lean ground turkey (3oz), sf ketchup, mustard, and a pickle cut up on field greens. Since it was a low carb day, I didnt have any rice cakes or other sources of carbs with my lunch. In between training clients and orienting a new trainer, I munched on a pack of 100 calorie dark chocolate cocoa dusted almonds as a sweet treat! Patrick suprised me and lifted with me after work. Lifting with him is not just about getting bigger muscles in my off season, but making me a better person. He asks me about my meal plan, how I think I look, if I am hungry. We laugh when I fall off the bar doing pull ups. We yell at each other to "Work" and "Squeeze" and "Do one more rep". I close my eyes and visualize my muscles working. I see myself in a figure suit with all of my hard work on display for the world to see. I repeat the his words and the words of my bodybuilding heros in my head..."I lift things up, I put them down". I sike myself up with music. I get in the game and I go hard. Thats what beast mode is all about.
Once I got home from the gym it was almost nine pm and a quick dinner was being called for. Shrimp, goat cheese, and light balsamic on field greens seemed great to me. Night time is always the hardest for me and all I wanted was something sweet. Gotta love sugar free jello with light Reddi-whip for that! That is always good in a pinch. I knew i would be up for a couple more hours watching that movie, so I prepared a little dish of low carb "ice cream" with Greek yogurt, almond milk, and a half scoop of protein in the blender. It was great to not feel quilty eating that in my bed other than bowls of cereal or cookies that I have hidden under my pillow. I am ready for this, I can feel it.
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